Settled in China
As you may have noticed, my posts recently have been flailing wildly back and forth on the subject of being settled in a place.
It’s not just my posts that are contradicting themselves.
I’m waffling on a daily basis, veering between quiet acceptance of being in Shanghai long term (-ish), with comfy familiar things around me and a good job and a bed to call my own, and keening to myself silently, mourning the loss of my True Self– you know, the restless one that packs up and leaves whenever things don’t go exactly as planned or when life needs a little nudge in the Interesting Department.
The one that doesn’t hesitate to walk out on conversations or people or cities or countries.
I’ve been that person for a very long time (for as long as I’ve been a person, I’d wager).
With Shanghai also alternating sunny, clear, pleasant days with awful grim ones lately, I’ve been unable to put my finger on exactly what is driving my wildly changing moods.
Is it the city itself (sunny=happy times; grim=grrrr)?
Is it me?
Is this something I need to change within myself to be able to live contentedly in the here and now, or is this a sign that the whole situation is wrong and that I need to make an external change?
I’ve spoken to various expats living in Shanghai about living here long term and have gotten a mixed bag of responses.
- Some are totally contented here, with spouse and possibly children, not wanting to live anywhere else. They are here for the long haul.
- Some are here for the money and have admitted this and accepted it. They have goals that Shanghai is helping them to fulfill. Â They aren’t necessarily happy here but they know why they are here (buying a house, retiring early, etc).
- Some are here because of their spouses or partners and may have had to put their own careers and plans on hold to come here. Some are thriving but others… not so much.
- Some (like me) simply wound up here through chance (job offers, transient lifestyle) and ended up staying, extending the time frame year by year until two years had passed, possessions had accumulated, contracts renewed, friends made. Â I still don’t see myself fully here though, always with one hand on the door, looking for other choices, other possibilities.
With this in mind, I’m opening this blog up to others who may be in this position. I’m looking for people who would like to be interviewed about their choices and their reactions to settling down. Expats and ex-travellers both, anyone who has found themselves settled down in a place they never expected to be, with doubts about the choices they’ve made or are about to make.
This place can be your own homeland after a long time away (with spouses, babies, houses and all), or it can be a totally different country but not the one you had hoped to end up in or not the way you’d imagined it.
If you would like to be interviewed for a (possibly) open ended series of posts on the concept of settling down, please contact me here, through the comments section, or on Twitter or Facebook.
39 Responses
You get to a point where….it’s enough. Where you could pack up and go, but for once you have something semi-decent going on, and the risks of giving up that guarantee far outweigh any potential. Or where you realize that your potential is a finite well, starting to run dry, and you have to wait longer between moves for the bucket to fill.
I have one shot left, and if that fails, I’m done.
I know what you mean. I do have something semi decent going on and I’m not sure what I could do, long term, that would be better than this. I guess it’s just hard to accept that this is all there is for now. New things will come along in a few years and we have vague plans for after Shanghai so I’m not staying here forever but I still feel like I ought to be doing more…and better…in a more contented way…
Good luck with yours, by the way. Why only one shot? Is this a transfer with your company like before, or with a new one?
New Zealand really put me through the wringer…unlike being a grad student in SAf, where I was surrounded with a built-in social network that is grad school, I was in a job that required a ton of travel, with coworkers who for the most part were solitary, and I was in the wrong kind of town for people like me. Intelligent, but not intellectual, to the point where being able to have a seriously high-level brainiac conversation was nearly impossible. I’m the kind of girl who gets drunk at a bar with her friends, and it’s considered good form to bring a laser pointer so we can experiment with the refraction coefficients of various beers. Try to do that in New Plymouth and you’d be a social outcast before you knew it.
That, and with this job of mine, I have to find a place where I can be offshore half the year and home half the year and the friends are cool with it. Enforced isolation, plus I’m single so no partner to come home to, and tremendous difficulty making new friends left me mentally and emotionally exhausted. It’s been a year and I finally feel like I’m getting my own self back.
I can do that one more time, to one place. I’d like to stay with this company, if possible, but I can’t do another blind leap into the unknown and stay sane.
I think I’d like to go out drinking with you. Call me if you’re ever in town!
Careful, I might take you up on that.
We might have to make it a not-at-the-bar kind of affair, so that when we’re both soddenly drunk and spilling our whole life stories, the entirety of Shanghai doesn’t have to know!
Are you a Third Culture Kid? You certainly sound like one. If not, then maybe you’ve just travelled so much as an adult that you have picked up many TCK attributes. If you haven’t done so already, I recommend reading “Third Culture Kids: Growing up Among Worlds” by Pollock and Reken. Putting a name to what you’re feeling and understanding that it’s not just you is half the battle. Also check out TCKid.com and DenizenMag.com
Oddly enough, I’m not a 3rd culture kid- in fact, I grew up in one of the most stable families I’ve known. Same house for most of my childhood, tons of extended family nearby, multiple generations continuing to live in the same area… but I had always wanted to travel and so I did, starting when i was 19, and never stopped (I’m 36 now). I’m torn between the comfort of stability and the sheer interestingness of change. I don’t know where I belong or where I want to be.
Oh man–thank you so much for that! I’m not so much a TCK as I am a willing self-inflicted expat…..but I feel that way a lot.
I have two different time zones set into my computer.
Thank you for this post! I’ve been heart-achingly restless for the past several months.
Like you, I wound up in my here (Souther Spain) through chance (a job offer) and ended up staying (fell in love, got married, and decided to go to grad school here in Spain).
I don’t see myself here at all (or at least for now), and am “always with one hand on the door, looking for other choices, other possibilities.”
At the moment, all I can do is wait for the next opportunity, which will hopefully be this summer. D-Man and I are finishing up school in June, and he (thank-God-fully) shares a similar life dream. We don’t want a pretty house, or pretty things – we want to have everything we need on us and be able to travel everywhere until we find a country and culture we can finally call home. As long as it may take. 😉
After all, it’s the journey that counts, right?
It is the journey indeed! Doug and I sound similar to you and your husband in that we don’t want a pretty house and would prefer to be able to move around rather than be tied to any particular spot. At least I know I’m not stuck here forever! I think the hardest part for me is knowing that there are a million interesting things going on out there while I’m here, doing the same-old same-old. Maybe it would be better if I had clicked with Shanghai but I haven’t so it’s a bit like an arranged marriage that didn’t quite work out- no animosity but not much love or thrills and a bit more loneliness than anticipated.
Hi there, I just saw your post on Twitter. I’m a newly minted expat, living in a country I never expected to live in (South Africa), permanently. Or at least for now. I moved here for love and also for love of this continent. Most days I think it’s the best decision I’ve ever made but other days I wonder what the hell possessed me to do this. Feel free to check out my blog and let me know if you’re still looking for interviews!
Hi Heather, thanks for stopping by. Where in SA are you living? I lived there for a while back in 1999-2000, in Cape Town. It was lovely. I still miss it! I’d love to hear what you have to say. I’ll send you the questionnaire as soon as it’s fine-tuned.
Hi Mary Anne,
I live in Joburg. Very different from CT but equally awesome in its own way. I love living here although I’m definitely still knee-deep in the adjustment process — this is not always an easy place to live but I enjoy the challenge. My blog is mostly about all the quirky, interesting things to do here, as Joburg is not generally seen as a tourist destination.
Thanks,
Heather
I’ve been thinking about the other side – what makes us move in the first place when others would never contemplate it? If you have any thoughts, hope you’ll add them to the comments on my blog.
http://thesmartexpat.com/2011/03/14/comfort-zone-part-1/
BTW, I lived in Shanghai for three years and loved it (though it was tough at first) – would have stayed longer but it didn’t work out that way. Hoping to make it back this autumn for a first visit since leaving in 2007. I miss the fact that every day in Shanghai, you see or experience something different or interesting (at least when viewed through a western lens). Don’t know how I’d feel about being there (more or less) permanently.
Hi Evelyn, thanks for your comment. I’ll take a peek at your blog later today when I’ve got a break between classes. It’s funny what you said about your Shanghai experience because it’s been rather different for me, not sure why. Maybe circumstance? Maybe personal experience? Was this the first place you lived as an expat?Or maybe Shanghai has changed a lot since 2007? I know that Istanbul, where I lived from 2004-2008 changed a lot during those years. For me, Shanghai just makes me feel tired and frustrated a lot of the time- interesting things are becoming regulated (pyjamas are banned outside, food streets shut down, old part of town razed…) and I’m a bit lonely and find it hard to make real friends here, mainly because my job is quite isolated (no colleagues). I can imagine it being much better under different circumstances!
Ah, I just looked at your blog and saw that you’ve been living abroad for two decades! Well done! I’m fascinated how people can have such different experiences in the same place at the same time under seemingly similar circumstances. How much, I wonder, is it internal (your own state of mind) and how much is it external factors (the city or country you are living in)?
I have moved 29 times in my life, across three countries and 19 towns. Although these moves were always initiated by others and I spent much time mourning for what I had lost, eventually I would settle down and make a life for myself. Currently, I am trying to help others move on with their lives after a move. I have a website to help other movers cope with the emotional side of moving and am also writing a self help book.
I would be happy to be interviewed by you.
I’ll send you the questionnaire as soon as it is fine tuned (which will be this week). Since I am at work, the Great Firewall is blocking access to your website and I can’t read about you or your background until I get home tonight. Were your moves initiated as a child by parents mostly, as a third culture kid? Or as an adult, through jobs and spouse? I’m curious as to what moves people to make a home in a new place and why they choose to stay– or even if they want to stay.
I could (and am some day planning to) write a book on this stuff. Should I stay or should I go, nah nah NAH nah nah nah NAH… So, yeah uh…hit me. I’m in.
Oh god, now I have that song in my head! Shall I hit you, baby, one more time? (there, now we’re even… except I’d wager the tune in my head is less painful than having Britney there…)
Will send the questions when they’re ready. Writing succinct, non-leading questions with a grand theme in mind is harder than I thought it’d be.
Hi, another Heather here. I’ve been in China now, unexpectedly, for nearly 6 years. My usual cycle is maximum 3 years in one place then I’ve got to move… But it looks like we might be here indefinitely. (I’m American and my husband is Spanish.) I’d love to participate in your series. I call myself a serial expat and I’ve been moving pretty regularly since I was 3 years old, within the US and internationally. The thought of being in China for another 2 years or another 4 is kind of scary. Not because it is China but because it is not somewhere else. Might have to convince our company to move us to Shanghai or Shenzhen bases at least half way through.
Hi Other Heather! 6 years in China- wow. I just hit the two year mark (in Shanghai, no less!) and I’m chomping at the bit. And to stay indefinitely… double wow. Not that I don’t like China (I actually do like it quite a bit, believe it or not) but I just keep wanting to know what else is out there….
I can totally understand what you’re trying to say there. 🙂 Me. myself and I have been in Shanghai for three years and another 3 years to go. Its an obligation I cannot tear away from. I am a student here. Sigh! I do like it here very much. However, every time I venture outta the country for summer or winter or that odd three to four days of tomb sweeping days they have here, its difficult to chuck that backpack.
Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy your time here. Btw where do you reside, Puxi or Pudong?
Cheers
3 years and 3 to go? That’s diligence! I live in Puxi, quite centrally, but I work way up in the bleak, gritty area around Zhongshan Bei Lu metro station so most of my day is spent up there. It’s made up almost entirely of freeways and overhead freeways and lots of grit. My campus is just an annex so it’s quite deserted most of the time. Ugh! I regularly find myself daydreaming of escape. I like exploring the leafy, old bits of Shanghai at weekends and on short work days and wish I could spend more time there. I think it’d be better for my mental health!
Hi MaryAnne
Sorry I missed your call to arms when you published it thanks to the loss of my VPN and a hundred bandaid fixes that didn’t work. It’s been a frustrating week here in Shanghai to say the least!
I’ve been thinking a lot about these very issues myself, especially over the last few months. I’m also coming up to the two year mark and the pressure is on to make a decision about the next two – stay, go, move somewhere else….I’m caught between the love of new and interesting places and the perfectly good, fully-formed career I left behind in Australia, along with the beaches, the bush, and our lovely old wooden house.
Would love to participate – it might give the decision-making process some much needed clarity.
Cheers,
Fiona
I’ve actually been thinking about some of the things you’ve posted about settling down in relation to my own life. I live in the city where I was born. I spent my childhood, teens, and early 20’s plotting to escape. I wanted to travel, live in other countries, be a wanderer. Instead, I’m a grown up with a mortgage, two dogs, and a career. This isn’t what I had planned for my life. But I can’t say I’m unhappy. My partner and I both wanted to remain close to our parents and I love San Antonio.
I do sometimes think that I might actually have been happy settling down on Vancouver Island where I grew up– a lot of my travels have been for work, then they were compulsive restlessness. I yearned for a center but when I was in my 20s there wasn’t much work where I came from and I told myself, well, I had to leave. I’d love to have a dog and cats and goats and a house and maybe a career (just not this one- I’m fried) but not here. And I haven’t figured out how to get from here to there at this point. I’m glad you’re happy (or at least, not unhappy). That’s an awesome place to start from.
Settling down or not … a question I never get.
I am settled down. Technically. Emotionally, hmmm, yes that too. Did i plan it? I sure hope not. Does that worry me? Not a bit. Well, maybe sometimes –
Unlike you I never lived for a long or longer time in a foreign country (although I was this close once in Istanbul (guess you like that). I just traveled. For months, or a year, only to return to my home country, Holland.
It was this perpetual machinery of going back and forth that defined me: restless, searching, curious, clueless. Whenever i left again for another place to hang out (of course I said ‘explore foreign cultures’ to friends and family cause it sounded more ‘mature’ – how juvenile can you get eh?) I always expected to find something that would smack me down to the floor, saying: Dude….
Settling down eh? I did, eventually, technically.
Surprisingly the ‘dude’ one turned out to be the girl from the block where I grew up till my teens.
But still I don’t feel settled down. Just less restless. At ease with the, this, pace.
Aw… This is the reason I never comment on posts.
Babble…
It’s quite all right. I do the same 🙂
Ah, yes, I think we’re the same on this one: looking for a new place to hang out. Um, yep, that pretty much sums it up. Although I hang with the locals a lot in my expat life, I don’t believe they are endowed with the magical properties a lot of travel blogs claim they are (‘talk to the locals, learn all about the culture, etc’). Hell, I’ve taught and worked with hundreds of Turks and Chinese folk and it’s just fine but I can’t say that I’m actively ‘exploring foreign cultures’. I’m just plodding along, ending up where I end up. Sometimes it works.
I think you’ve done well by finding and creating a strong home base to go back to. I feel ungrounded. I would love to know that I had an established cosy home waiting for me in between my jaunts of running away.
It’s crazy I’ve been in China a year and Shanghai just 6 months and although I’m loving it I keep tossing up about where my future lies here. I was only meant to be here 6 months, somehow that extended to a year and now it looks like it’s gonna be at least another year and a half but maybe longer. There is a huge part of me that never wants to leave, I have a life here, friends, and apartment and I bought a goddamn oven! I’ve set up a comfortable life here and I know I certainly couldn’t have this standard of living for such low cost anywhere else.
At the same time the idea of being settled here too long scares the crap out of me, I feel too young to be stuck somewhere for too long, I feel like it’s almost a waste of my time, I could be elsewhere exploring. It’s a constant battle, who knows what the outcome will be and if/when I leave! It’s so weird, I never thought I’d actually be thinking about that “Settle” word at this age but somehow I am!
I’d be up for an interview sasha (at) shanghainovice.com
Cool. I’d be happy to have you on board. I’ll send you an email later with the questionnaire. Do you prefer Word or Pages (for Macs) docs?
Great post MaryAnne, I’m coming across a lot of the ‘settling down’ questions myself. Been living as an expat in Edinburgh for just over a year now, and I’m definitely having restless thoughts about far-flung destinations!
I’d be interested, if you’re still looking for people to interview 🙂
Chloe recently posted..What is this ‘luck’ you speak of
Hey MaryAnne I found your website. It’s great. I think this is the questionnaire you were talking about. Send it my way when you get a minute.
I just had a brainfart when I read that living abroad was breaking free. I never thought of it that way. I just thought it was normal. That tells you how much of a Shanghai cloud I live in!
Cheers – A
Hi MaryAnne! I’d be willing to give the interview a go if you’re still looking. Enjoy your trip home to Canada!!
Kelly
I’d be delighted! Do you have the questions? I forget if I’d sent them to you already…
I do not have the questions. I can’t guarantee anything I have to say will be that interesting or unique, but I’d love to have a look at them and see.
Kelly
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