Curses, foiled again!
One of the things I’ve been testing recently has been my boundaries- both in the geographic and comfort level sense. Small steps, like putting Thwacky in his vibro chair while I cook for incrementally longer periods of time, or strapping him to my chest for an extended excursion to the grocery store on my own, or leaving him on the living room floor on his surreal little padded mat with the droopy padded arch over him while I dash into another room to quickly do something that requires two hands. All of these ridiculously tiny steps used to result in him howling and were generally unsuccessful or emotionally agonizing.
It’s a weird feeling having to take, as it were, baby steps toward my own independence. I had been used to having unfettered mobility for the past two decades of adulthood. I was used to coming and going and keeping my sights on further opportunities for going. I was really, really good at going. I loved going.
It’s trickier now, but not impossible, and Sir Thwacksalot has been mostly cooperative and is slowly maturing enough to cope with a few of my attempts. Except last night, which was when I dared to go out for several hours on my own for the first time in months.
This moment of happiness is a bit of a complicated one, in that I’m proud of myself for just getting out of the house and trying something new, even though I didn’t actually feel overtly happy doing it. I signed up for a 10 week beginner fencing course at the leisure centre, 20 minutes away on foot. I was awkward and uncoordinated and felt slightly ridiculous as 75% of the 60-odd students in the gym were under the age of 11, but I did it. I suited up and poked the instructor a half dozen times in the chest and practised moving forward and tentatively lunging in that fencing kind of way. It was emotionally a bit uncomfortable (especially since I was surrounded by really coordinated 5 year olds) but I did it and will do it again next week.
Thwacky, on the other hand, didn’t fare so well. Poor husband had a howling, shrieking Thwack on his hands for the nearly three hours I was gone.
Baby steps.
3 Responses
Sounds like these are baby steps for husband as well! It’s good that you’re making these baby steps though. I think it will be healthy and eventually happy for all three of you. I’m glad to hear things are chugging along well for you two and Sir Thwacksalot!
Love that you did this! I’m no expert (obvs.) but it will be so good for Thwacky to learn that you aren’t the only one who can comfort and entertain him. I was just down in Miami visiting a friend with an 8-mo-old and he still howls every time she leaves the room. Not only is it stressful for her and the baby, but it’s frustrating for dad. I told her about you signing up for this class and she was very impressed. Hopefully it will inspire her to do something for herself, too!
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We’re determined to 1. give ourselves a hint of normal life whilst 2. not traumatizing him. It’s a fine balance. Tonight is lesson 2 of fencing class. We’ll see how he copes (we bought some organic, no-crap single-serving formula tetra paks, just in case he runs out of my milk…)