Mon pays c’est l’hiver. Not.
One of the downsides to writing every three or six or eight months is that all of the half baked ideas that might have made up a dozen different posts all burble to the surface and battle it out to be the opening line.
Hey, I’m still living in repetitive suburbia in Koreatown in toasty, floody Saigon and everything is nail bars and foot massage and golf shops and barbecue joints and ridiculously oversized SUVs driven by incompetent yet entitled jerks and every day seems to bleed into the next until a year has passed and no one noticed and I’m starting to think I’ve totally gone off the idea of travel because travel blogs really piss me off these days but I really enjoyed our trips to Cambodia and England this year and we are off to Mui Ne in a few weeks and I’d kill to take the train from here to, oh, London via Hanoi, Guilin, Beijing, Ulaan Bator, Ekaterinburg and St Petersburg, but I think I really just want to go home and live in the forest and grow veggies and go hiking and start drawing again and bake bread and faaaaack all those superficial assholes who drive their oversized, overpriced SUVs like they’re driving a bike, weaving and honking and going the wrong way down the road as if it was perfectly normal and hey, I really like my job and I think I want to stay in it for a long time because I finally feel like I’ve got the hang of it and the people I work with are really nice and the kids are fab but I think I really want to go home to grow veggies in the forest and actually get some exercise but going home feels like giving up and I’m scared I’ll be lulled back into the Canadian velvet rut and end up working retail somewhere shitty, earning $9 an hour with a part time contract- Oh, and the pollution here! The pollution- and did I mention the SUVs? The noise? The malls? The traffic? The mental exhaustion of trying to balance toddler with MA with job with also trying to be a well-rounded, healthy, creative, curious human?
Oh, fuck it.
Deep breath.
I’ve stopped writing here for many reasons (exhaustion, pessimism, cluttered thoughts), which is a curious thing because for the past few terms at work I’ve been increasingly working Morning Pages writing exercises into my classroom routine, which the students have told me repeatedly has been a meditative, joyful start to their days.
I’ve also stopped reading for pleasure for many reasons (MA burn out, exhaustion, cluttered thoughts), yet have added regular long chunks of silent, pleasurable reading to my classroom routine, which the students have told me repeatedly has been a delightful revelation to them (more, more, more!).
I preach, yes. But no practice.
Other Things I’ve also neglected over the past year or two or so:
- art, drawing, photography, mops, creative cooking, Wok With Me
- exploring great swathes of cities on foot, finding things, looking for things, wanting to even try
- attempting to learn another language or even practice a semi-known language or even want to bother trying
- curiosity
This is not a new year post, nor is it a resolution post nor a looking back post. I think it’s more along the lines of a Talking Heads How did I get here? post. I’m looking around me, thinking I kind of don’t recognize myself anymore.
This blog used to be easy. It used to be easy to lightly, wittily, darkly, dryly document the weird shit and minutiae around me, to explore the shifts and changes, to make sense of things that were baffling. I called it an expat blog, a travel blog, but really it was more about sorting out all the shouty bits in my head.
It doesn’t seem to work anymore, and I am not sure if it is the medium, the message or me.
Most of the time, I simply don’t want to say anything out loud. The rest of the time, I don’t know how to say it. The little voice in my head shouts, intermittently, it’s none of your freaking business, dumbass. However, this lack of writing here means I haven’t allowed all of the competing thoughts in my head space to be articulated and to battle it out for viability.
I think what needs to happen next is a big shift in mental attitude and perspective. Time to actually get things sorted out, evaluated, reevaluated, chucked away and accepted. What with toddler and MA and all, I think the next few years are going to be really important for building the next stages of my life, our life. Something needs to give. Something needs to be rebuilt.
I don’t know if I can do it internally, with all of the ideas punching each other in the face, screeching obscenities, then retreating into the far recesses of my brain for a little cry. Stupid ideas.
10 Responses
I have no suggestions or admonishments for you, jut a big “welcome Back! I’ve missed you!”
Happy to be back- I like the weird occasional dialogue that a blog post can bring up….
Oh I totally get it. The first few years with the first kid are a huge foggy blur. I have found that a few extra nanny hours to just journal, reflect, and make lists of lessons learned, things accomplished, and goals has been a big key to decluttering my sleep deprived brain. That and realizing my to do lists will never be done and I need to take time to enjoy little things (like a good cheese after the kids go to bed) and the wonderful people around me. But yeah, I need to journaling or I feel crazy and unfocused. Hope you can find something that helps!
Does the fog lift? Does the brain return?
I totally get it. Kiddo, move, new job, all together makes for a lot. My version is less complex, but moved back to the US from China, to a new place and a new job, with a kiddo (but a 10 year old), and have not only neglected my blog but also my body and often feel like I’m treading water at best. I am glad to see you are happy with your job and many other things about your life. Hopefully you can make a little time for you (not late at night when everyone else has gone to bed; ask me how I know) and figure out what will help to give you a little more of a rudder. Since you are such a wonderful writer and writing is essential to what you teach as well, maybe trying some writing every day, whether it ends up here or not, may help.
Aw thanks. I’m trying so hard to hold it all together but some days I think I just need to sit by myself somewhere quiet, far away. Things feel so… relentless sometimes. Ah, well. Time to find time for myself to find that old rudder…
I can identify somewhat with what you are saying. May I suggest letting the shouty bits out of your head for a while? Maybe try writing fiction? In any case, dont stop writing. I love reading your blog and over the last six months, I dropped in lots of times to check whether you have posted something.
Aw, thanks! That’s lovely to hear, especially considering my brain has been clogged with writer’s block for the past year or so. It’s been a bit of a mini resolution for this year to try to dredge it back. I’m not sure yet if I’m winning…
Welcome back! Take care of yourself, whatever that might look like. You are enough. Don’t worry that you’re not writing or doing the things you used to do. You are changing as your life around is changing. Not every day, month, year has to be filled with this amazing list of accomplishments or big new things. Sometimes, the status quo is okay, comforting until we find that next thing that excites us again. I too am in that period that internally feels like I’m not stretching myself, but on the outside I’m very occupied. I’m teaching full time, volunteering with Girl Guides, raising 2 big kids, being a wife. But I don’t actually have many goals right now. I’m just cruising along, taking it in, trying to make small improvements and I’m okay with that, but it was a new sensation and I was a bit uncomfortable realizing this. I have been used to switching jobs or locales every year or two and so being in the same job and place for more than 2 years now is a foreign sensation itself. My suggestions, Cherish the life you are living right now. I have found volunteering and the act of giving is one way to lift my spirits and giving me more purpose and can connect me with new people or different activities that might be inspiring. Maybe just a weekend away, solo, if you can swing it to contemplate and recharge. Even if it’s just at a swanky hotel in the city.
Here on Vancouver Island, there are still jerky idiots driving SUVs, yes there is farmland here but costs are rising so much, it’s getting very hard to live here. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Take care and hope you get your mojo back soon. We’ll be ready to read when you are ready to write.
Aw, thanks. I always need gentle, external, objective reality checks. Perspective. And you’re right. I’ll be working on making 2017 a sane and good one.